Shudder Read online

  Jude peered around us at the tangle of green plastic on the floor. “I used to have soldiers just like that.”

  “Really?” said Chance. “What happened to them?”

  Jude shrugged. “I really don’t know. Do you have the sniper ones?”

  Chance nodded. “Yeah.”

  “You have to put those on high ground, you know.”

  Chance spread his hands. “That’s what I keep telling people.”

  * * *

  It was dark, we’d all eaten dinner hours ago, and Jason still wasn’t back. I’d had a busy day, catching up with everyone, helping with dinner, and playing games with the kids. Chance had really latched on to Jude, showing him all his toys and getting him to play a bunch of different games with him. Jude didn’t seem to mind. Whenever Mina told Chance that he shouldn’t keep pestering Jude, Jude was quick to speak up and assure her it was okay.

  After Chance went to bed, Jude and I sat in the living room. He relaxed on a couch, and I sat in the recliner.

  Jude pulled a plastic soldier out from underneath a cushion. “I feel like everything’s completely different. I was stuck in that place for ten years, and I had no idea that the world would change so much while I was gone.”

  “Well,” I said, “there was kind of an apocalypse.”

  “That’s not even what I mean,” he said. “Jason has a kid? We’re old enough to have kids? That completely blows my mind.”

  “Me too,” I said. “I feel like we were all in high school yesterday. I have no idea how it snuck up on me so fast.”

  Jude twirled the soldier between his fingers. “Chance is awesome.”

  “I know.” I scooted up on the recliner and gathered my knees to my chest. “He’s a really cool little kid.”

  “He’s so... open,” said Jude. “You talk to him for five minutes, and he’s telling you everything about himself. And he’s willing to be friends. Just like that. Are all kids that way?”

  “Maybe,” I said.

  “And the stuff he says, it’s hilarious.” Jude grinned. “I never thought about kids before. Like about having them or anything. But... maybe I wouldn’t be so bad at it.”

  “You’re great with him,” I said. “He thinks the world of you. He’s known you a day, and he completely adores you.”

  “Yeah, well, I kind of adore him too.” Jude set down the plastic toy. “Look, um, thanks for getting me out. I know you didn’t have to.”

  “Of course we did. I wanted to take everyone,” I said. “I still want to get them all out.”

  “But I screwed up your entire life,” said Jude. “I was your enemy. And you guys take me here and make me feel at home, and trust me to hang out with little kids. I’m so grateful for that.”

  “You’re family,” I said.

  “I’m a screw up.”

  “You did that stuff ten years ago. Like you said, things have changed.”

  Jude started to say something else, but the front door opened, and Boone, Grace, and Jason came in. Jason had shaved last night when we were showering, but his hair was still a little long. I liked the way it curled around his neck.

  I stood up to give him a kiss. “You guys have been gone all day. We were keeping dinner warm for you, but eventually, we just had to put it away. I can microwave—”

  “We ate,” said Jason. “Greasy fast food. We were all excited about it.”

  “It’s been too long since I had French fries,” said Boone, throwing himself down on the loveseat. Grace settled in next to him.

  “What were you doing anyway?” asked Jude.

  “We wanted to make sure the obituaries we read meant that our families were really gone,” said Grace.

  Boone studied the floor. “They are.”

  “I’m so sorry,” I said.

  “Well, according to Jason, we’re kind of all in the same boat, aren’t we?” said Grace. “You guys don’t have parents either.”

  It was true. “That doesn’t really make it better, though,” I said.

  No one said anything.

  “I don’t know,” said Boone. “In some ways, I feel like I lost them a long time ago.”

  I wanted to comfort them, but I felt too guilty over the way I’d manipulated them to know how to do it. Eventually, I said, “You’ll stay with us. Here. You can go back to school. Things won’t be normal, not exactly, but they’ll be better.”

  “School?” said Grace. “I don’t think so.”

  “I’m years behind,” said Boone, shaking his head.

  “You should be teenagers,” I said. “Have some normal experiences.”

  “We’re teenagers that can’t be killed,” said Boone. “We’re not going to be normal.”

  “We can sort out that kind of stuff later,” said Jason.

  “Right,” I said. “I guess the first thing we should figure out is going back to get the others out. I want to do that.”

  “We will,” said Jason. “I mean, if you really think we should, we will.”

  “Of course I think we should,” I said. “We can’t leave them there. That’s horrible.”

  “Boone and I have been talking about it,” said Jason, “and we think the reason they didn’t come after us is that they value secrecy more than they value us. It’s possible that if we keep our mouths shut, they won’t bother us ever again.”

  “But they’ll bother other people,” I said.

  “Maybe,” said Jason. “But is that really our problem?”

  “It doesn’t matter if it is or not,” I said. “We can’t leave those people there.”

  “Look,” said Jason. “You and I aren’t exactly heroes. Maybe it’s the right thing to go back for those people, but when have we ever done the right thing?”

  My jaw dropped. He was seriously using that as an excuse?

  Jason strode out of the room. “I’m tired. I’m going to bed.”

  I stood up, fuming. “I’ll do it without him.”

  “I’ll help,” said Jude.

  I shook my head at him. “Thanks, but I don’t think you’re cut out for this.” I looked at Grace and Boone. “I’m going to get them out. I promise.”

  “It was hard enough to get out of there,” said Grace. “Maybe you did the best you could.”

  I couldn’t believe this. I headed after Jason, who was in our bedroom, undressing for bed.

  “You really don’t want to go back?” I said.

  He was in the middle of pulling off his shirt. He yanked it off the rest of the way. “I don’t know. It’s not going to be easy, you know? These people don’t get killed unless you take off their heads. We’d have our work cut out for us.”

  “Just because it’s hard doesn’t mean that we give up. We do the impossible, Jason. We always have.”

  Barechested, he fished the t-shirt he slept in off the floor. “Maybe we have a chance for things to be normal for once. Maybe we shouldn’t screw that up.”

  “I don’t understand you,” I said.

  He pulled the t-shirt over his head. “For the last five years, I’ve done everything in my power not to kill anyone. I like killing too much, and I don’t want to feel that way ever again. You’re asking me to go back into a place and slaughter people.”

  “They’re not really people,” I said.

  He sucked in breath. “I can’t believe you just said that.”

  “Well, they’re people, but they’re supposed to be dead,” I said. “They’re alive through unnatural means, and they deserve to die.”

  “I should be dead too,” he said. “And I definitely deserve to die.”

  “No, you don’t,” I said.

  “Yes, I do.”

  Okay, fine. Maybe he did. But this was different. We were saving people. I was sure that going back there was the right thing to do. Positive. I sat down on the bed, trying to think of how I could put it. How I could make him understand.

  His voice was soft. “Did you see Chance?”

  “I did,” I said. “Why did
n’t you stay until he woke up this morning? Mina kept him home from school, because he was so excited about seeing you. But she can’t do that every day.”

  He rubbed his forehead. “Is he okay?”

  “He’s amazing,” I said. “He adores Jude.”

  Jason turned to me sharply. “Jude saw him?”

  “Jude played with him all day, because you weren’t here. An uncle is the closest thing he has to a dad right now.”

  “I’m not—” Jason shook his head. “I can’t be his dad. Not really.” He busied himself with finding a pair of pajama pants.

  “Why not?” I really did not understand why he was being such an idiot about this.

  “Because of what I am,” he said. “For the same reason I don’t have any business being a hero and saving people. I’m completely messed up, Azazel. I would be bad for him.”

  “No,” I said. “No, you wouldn’t. What would be bad for him is you avoiding him like you’re doing. He needs you.”

  Jason tore aside the covers on the bed and sat down. “When I think about him, I have this half-remembered memory from whatever was going on in our coma. I could hurt him. I don’t trust myself around him.”

  Half-remembered what? “You wouldn’t hurt him. I can tell that you don’t want anything bad to happen to him.”

  He lay down and pulled the covers over his head. “I think that’s why we weren’t supposed to wake up. To keep me away from him.”

  “I don’t believe that,” I said. “He’s so interested in you. He kept asking about you. He wants to see you.”

  “I’m tired, Azazel,” he said. “I’m really very tired. Can we talk about this later?”

  I was tired too. But I lay beside him in the dark, wide awake, for a long time.

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  Hallam was walking back and forth in the kitchen, rocking baby Kenya. The baby was asleep, though, and it looked a lot like pacing. “That’s the thing that doesn’t make sense. I understand that you and Jude inherited this Nephilim blood, and that was what made you both invincible. But I don’t understand why it stopped working in those years when Kieran and Eve had your powers and then started working again now.”

  Jason and I were sitting at the kitchen table. Jason was nibbling on a sandwich, but I’d finished mine ages ago. When Jason talked, he ate slowly, and he’d been explaining the loss of his scars to Hallam.

  “I don’t get why it happened either,” I said. “We always assumed that Jason healed because of his powers.”

  “I did,” said Jason. “And I know that my powers worked differently than this, because the healing was different. It was quicker.”

  “Right,” I said. “It was instantaneous. I remember you shaking off gunshots like they were nothing.”

  “This kind of healing doesn’t happen right away?” Hallam asked.

  “No,” said Jason. “If I get a mortal wound, I’ll actually die and come back. And that only happened to me once with my powers. When Jude shot me.”

  “You remember,” I said to Hallam. “We were both convinced he was dead.”

  He nodded. “You weren’t breathing.”

  “Jason got shocked when we were being held captive, and his heart stopped,” I said.

  “Well, there are two ways we can look at this,” said Hallam. “Either Jason’s invincibility was part of his powers, and it was additional to his Nephilim healing ability, or it was never part of his powers, and the power simply enhanced his natural ability.”

  “Had to have been part of them,” I said. “Because Kieran and Eve had it.”

  “But either way,” said Jason, “I should have been able to heal when my powers were gone, and I couldn’t. Right?” He sighed. “Unless the healing was something we gave to Kieran and Eve, and when we did whatever we did to them, we got it back.”

  “Then why didn’t I get my powers back?” I said.

  “Maybe you did,” said Jason. “Maybe you can influence minds. After all, weren’t you supposed to have inherited that from your gypsy grandmother?”

  I shuddered. “I don’t care if I can. I’m not even going to try. I hated those powers.”

  Hallam stopped moving. “Maybe we’re making this too complicated. Maybe it’s got nothing to do with Kieran and Eve and your loss of powers.”

  “It has to,” said Jason.

  “What was different all those years when you were hiding out from Kieran and Eve?” said Hallam.

  “You mean besides not having my powers?” said Jason.

  I bit my lip. “Well, we weren’t together.”

  “I’ve healed when you weren’t around,” said Jason. He took a bite of his sandwich and chewed thoughtfully. “Nothing was different during those years.”

  Hallam’s eyebrows shot up. “Yes, it was!”

  Kenya immediately woke up in his arms and began screaming.

  Hallam resumed pacing and rocking, making soothing noises.

  I waited until Kenya wasn’t yelling. “What was different?”

  Hallam grinned over his daughter’s shoulder. “The leaves.”

  Jason sunk back in his chair. “You’re right. I was taking them every day back then.”

  “You mean the herbs that Edgar Weem showed us?” I said. “The ones that blocked Kieran and Eve’s power?”

  “Yes,” said Hallam.

  “Huh,” I said. “You think they blocked Jason’s power to heal?”

  “It’s possible,” said Hallam. “They were designed to block magic, right? And we don’t know what makes Nephilim immortal, but Jude theorized it’s supernatural, right? Maybe the leaves block anything that’s supernatural.”

  Jason nodded. “It would make sense.”

  “Too bad we can’t test it,” I said. “We don’t have any of those herbs anymore.”

  “We do,” said Hallam. “Marlena and I made sure to plant some around the house, because we weren’t sure if Kieran and Eve would ever come back. Let me hand Kenya off to her mother, and I’ll show you where they are.”

  * * *

  “How should we do this?” said Jason, holding a leaf. “I used to chew them before. Should I just chew one and then cut myself and see if it doesn’t heal?”

  We were in the backyard of the house. There wasn’t a lot of land surrounding it, but it was ringed by a high, solid wall. My grandmother had been big on security and privacy. The house was shrouded in large trees as well. It was like a private oasis.

  I picked up a leaf too. “Actually, I’ve been thinking that if it works, it might be a really useful weapon.”

  “Weapon against who?”

  “Against the vampires, of course,” I said. “If this stops them from healing, then we could use it to make killing them a lot easier.”

  Jason sighed. “I don’t want to talk about killing anyone right now, Azazel.”

  “When are you going to want to talk about it?” I said. “You were too tired last night, now you’re not in the mood.”

  “Sounds like you’re complaining about our sex life,” he muttered.

  I rolled my eyes. “Come on, Jason. We’re not going to resolve this until we talk about it.”

  “There’s nothing to resolve,” he said. “I don’t want to kill anything. End of story.”

  “Even if killing people could save the lives of other people?”

  “That strikes me as a pretty circular argument. Who are we to decide who’s more worthy of life?”

  I put my hand on his arm. “I’ve said things like that before too. And I think that believing you’re right can be a dangerous thing. But sitting around doing nothing because you’re afraid you might do something wrong isn’t any better.”

  He stared down at the leaf and not at me. “Most people do nothing, Azazel. And I’ve had it with trying to do things that I think are right. When I started Jasontown, I really thought it was the right thing. I was making people happy. How could that have been bad?”

  “This isn’t the same thing,” I said.

&nb
sp; “Isn’t it? You think that if we kill these vampire-things, we’ll be doing something good because we’ll be protecting the Nephilim and punishing oppressors. But how long does it take before that gets twisted, and we find ourselves killing everything in sight?”

  “I don’t think that’s going to happen.”

  “Maybe for you, it won’t. But I think asking me to do this is about on par with asking an alcoholic to drink only one glass of liquor a day. It’s silly to think that the alcoholic won’t give in to the addiction and get wasted. And it’s silly to think that I won’t go off the deep end again.”

  I considered what he was saying. I knew how difficult holding himself in could be for Jason. He’d always been violent, and it had always been a problem in our relationship. He was mature enough now to know his limitations and communicate them to me. Was I pushing him too hard? “But I’ve always reined you in. When we’ve been together, you’ve never gone off the deep end, or if you have, I’ve pulled you back. Remember in the Sons’ headquarters, when I stopped you? Or that after I showed up in Jasontown, you realized what you were doing and stopped?”

  He rolled his leaf between two fingers. “It’s too dangerous.”

  “We can’t leave the other Nephilim there,” I said. “And we can’t let the vampires keep doing what they’re doing. No one deserves to be locked up and used that way. What the vampires are doing is evil, pure and simple.”

  “Nothing about evil is pure or simple,” he said. “I would have thought that you, of all people, would understand that.”

  I sighed. “Look, just let me try this.” I held out my arm and placed a leaf on top of it. “Cut me through the leaf. Let’s see what happens.”

  “I guess that’s easier than ingesting the leaf,” he said. “If it doesn’t work, I can try that afterwards.” He pulled out a pocket knife, opened it, and placed it against my skin. “Ready?”

  I squeezed my eyes shut. Wounds always hurt so much more when I was anticipating them. When it came out of nowhere, sometimes there was no pain until I noticed I was bleeding. I felt the sharp bite of the blade in my forearm. I opened my eyes. “Maybe I should smash the leaf up against it?” I put two fingers on the place where I was bleeding and applied pressure. “Ouch.”