Slow Burn Read online

"How many people are we talking about?" he said.

  "I don't know. Just NA people," she said. "People our age. Not the meth ladies from Grafton or anything."

  I laughed. "Still..."

  "I think it's fine," said Griffin.

  "You do?" I said.

  He shrugged. "Sure. As long as it's small and contained and you're not strung out on cocaine."

  "But I thought that you would think it was a really bad idea."

  "Well, I don't," he said.

  Stacey clapped her hands together. "Awesome. This is going to be so cool, you'll see. Jack and I are going to the Morgantown NA meeting next week, and we'll invite all our friends from there."

  "This is really going to happen? I haven't found a good dress yet."

  "Try on the blue one," said Griffin.

  "The blue one?" I ducked back into the dressing room to look through the dresses that were hanging up there. There was a blue one. I took it off the hanger. "Okay, I'll try it."

  It was periwinkle blue, with sparkles. It was simple, but nice. It had thin straps, and it hit about mid thigh. The color looked nice with my skin. I pushed my way out of the dressing room.

  "How'd you know?" I asked him.

  He looked me up and down.

  "Seriously, Griffin, do you have fashion talents that I don't know about?"

  He shrugged. "I noticed that you look good in blue. And, I, uh, I like that dress." He was still taking me in.

  As his gaze swept my body, I felt a little tingle every place his look settled. I drew in a breath.

  "You should buy it," he said.

  I nodded. "I think I will." And then I stood there gaping at him like an idiot until Stacey came out of the dressing room to gush over the dress too.

  * * *

  Thanks to Stacey, being sober wasn't boring in the slightest. I spent most of my time with her and Jack. Griffin seemed to like them too. At least he didn't complain. I didn't go out trying to score cocaine. I didn't have crazy, wild parties. I went to bed at a decent hour, and I got up with plenty of sleep. I went to class. I ate lunch with Stacey and Jack at school. I came home and did class work. Sometimes, we went to their place for dinner or to hang out. Sometimes, I asked them to come to my apartment.

  My party was scheduled for the end of spring break, which was when I'd have been sober for a month.

  I could hardly believe so much time had passed. It had gone quickly, and it had been easy.

  A lot of that was because of Stacey.

  She was my best friend. If I was honest, I hadn't had a best friend since elementary school. I didn't know how it happened exactly, but I'd somehow missed out on having friends that were girls. I remembered that my last best friend had been named Jackie. We'd been thirteen when Jackie stopped speaking to me.

  It was over a boy.

  She liked this guy. I don't even remember his name. But he was the heartthrob of our class. Everyone liked him. The way I saw it, it wasn't like she had any kind of dibs on him.

  But she still got mad when I made out with him.

  I don't even know why I did it. I guess it seemed like it would be cool.

  But whoever that guy's name was had only made out with me because I let him feel me up. It didn't go anywhere. I kind of thought it would. I always thought guys were going to be more interested in me than they were.

  I'm not saying that I used sex to try to get the attention of guys.

  Well. Maybe I am. I was pretty young when I lost my virginity, and the guy I did it with-Aaron-was a few years older than me. He didn't care that I was fourteen, though. He was a senior in high school. I was a freshman. It wasn't like he was taking advantage of me. I knew what I was doing. But it was kind of the same thing.

  I gave it up.

  And then he promptly lost interest.

  It wasn't always like that. I did have several boyfriends in high school and, of course, there was Eric in college. So not all the guys were jerks who were just after one thing. Some of them were really nice guys. (Of course, I wasn't always nice back. I had some issues in high school.) But there were enough of them only interested in sex that I should have learned my lesson. I should have realized that having sex with a guy was not the way to make him like me.

  But I guess the problem was that it did kind of make them like me. Not always for a very long time. But for at least a few minutes, sometimes a few weeks if it took a while for them to get bored. When they were having sex with me, they weren't paying attention to anything except me. That was a cool feeling. I liked that feeling. So, I guess I had sex with a lot of guys.

  I sort of got a reputation.

  And for some reason, I didn't have a lot of friends that were girls after that. They all thought I'd steal their boyfriends, or at least make out with them.

  The sad thing was, they were probably right.

  When Stacey talked to me about doing everything in her power to get noticed, I identified. I hadn't pierced my tongue. I'd spread my legs. You couldn't see what effect that had on me on the outside, not like Stacey's piercings. But...all in all... I thought piercings might have been a tad healthier than what I'd done.

  I was glad to have her around. She was awesome, and I felt better than I had in a long time. Almost... normal. Which is weird, because here we were, two chicks who'd both done scads of cocaine and spent our adolescence doing whatever we could to get people to pay attention to us. We were the opposite of normal.

  Stacey constantly teased me about Griffin. She said that there were definite sparks between us, that the air was thick with tension when we were close. She said this in front of Griffin, because he was always there. But occasionally, when we were all hanging out in her house, she and I would manage to get one room away from the guys. Close enough that Griffin could hear me scream if something bad happened, but far enough that I could talk without him hearing.

  And that was the only time I could talk about how I felt about him. I didn't know what it was. It might not have been anything. Maybe it was just the fact that he was swoon-worthy and that he'd saved my life a few times. (I couldn't tell Stacey that, of course.)

  But I thought it might be something big. I thought I might really like him.

  And I didn't know what to do. "I don't want to screw it up. Because, you know, in the past I've gotten physical really quickly."

  "There's nothing wrong with getting physical," said Stacey. "Nothing at all." She shrugged. "But it is cooler when you do it with someone you love."

  "And you love Jack?"

  "Totally."

  "And you always loved him? Even before you had sex?"

  "Well, maybe not before we did it the first time," she said. She grabbed my hands. "Look, it feels different with Griffin because it is different. When it's a big deal, you know. I knew with Jack. You know now."

  I squeezed my eyes shut. "But I don't know anything. All I know is that Griffin is really attractive, and that when I look at him, I feel a little weak all over. And that I'm really glad he has to be around me all the time."

  "So, there you go," she said. "That means something."

  I pulled my hands away from hers and ran them through my hair. "Maybe it does, maybe it doesn't. We don't even really know each other, Griffin and me. I don't know anything about his family or his past. I don't even know what year he graduated from high school."

  "You're around him all the time. Ask him."

  "No, I can't. It never feels like the right place or time to ask him those things. And besides, I'm always busy with school work."

  She grinned. "But it's spring break next week. No school work."

  I raised my eyebrows. "What college are you going to? I've got two projects to work on over spring break."

  "So get them done now, and you and Griffin can go do something romantic."

  "Like he's going to go for that," I said. "He's completely against anything happening between us because he says it's unprofessional."

  "And sleeping on your couch isn't unpro
fessional?" Stacey rolled her eyes. "He's making up excuses. The boy has it bad for you."

  I shrugged. "I don't know."

  "He calls you doll."

  "That's just his New Jersey slang thing. He calls all girls that."

  "He doesn't call me that. He likes you."

  I didn't know if he did. He'd made that little speech about me, about what kind of girl he thought I was and why he wanted to keep me alive. But that didn't mean he had romantic feelings for me. Why would he? "He doesn't have a reason to 'have it bad' for me. It's not like something happened one night, our eyes met, and fireworks were going off in the distance."

  "Do you have a reason for liking him?" said Stacey.

  "Well..." I thought about it. "I guess not."

  "That's not how love works," said Stacey. "It's not back and forth like in romance novels. It's not bursting in at the last minute, stopping someone before they get to the altar. It's not a slow burn. It's an explosion. You meet someone. You talk. You feel something. Or you don't. It's simple."

  I groaned. "If it's so simple, then why has nothing happened between us?"

  "You guys did kiss that one time."

  "Yeah, and then he rejected me, and I went and got more drugs. It was my hitting bottom moment. Not romantic at all." I sighed. "I thought that when a guy liked you, you didn't have to chase him everywhere. I saw that episode of Sex and the City, 'He's Just Not That Into You.' If a guy's playing hard to get, it means he doesn't want to be gotten."

  "That's a television show, not real life," said Stacey. "And besides-"

  "What are you girls talking about in here?" Griffin's head appeared in the doorway. He was grinning, and he looked so good.

  "Nothing," I said, standing up. When Griffin came to find us, it meant girl talk was over.

  We joined Griffin and Jack in the kitchen, where the two of them were eating vegan cheesecake. It was actually really good, even though Stacey had made it from tofu. We sat down at the table.

  "How many pieces of that have you had?" said Stacey.

  Jack shrugged. "I don't know."

  "Because," she said, "I did make it, and I kind of wanted there to be some left for me tomorrow."

  "Sorry," said Griffin. He set his fork down. There was half a piece of cheesecake on his plate. "You can have the rest of this piece."

  "Oh, I wasn't talking to you, Griffin," said Stacey. "I meant Jack." She narrowed her eyes at him.

  He held up his hands in surrender. "Geez. I'm sorry."

  "Good," she said. "As long as you're remorseful." She smoothed a flyaway piece of crimson hair. "So, Leigh and I were just talking about what she and Griffin were going to do over spring break."

  Griffin looked confused. "We're doing something?"

  I didn't know where she was going with this, but I imagined it had something to do with the idea that Griffin and I needed to do something romantic.

  "Yeah," said Stacey. "Don't you think it would be neat to do something together, just the two of you?"

  Griffin ate a bite of cheesecake. "Look, Stacey, I don't know how to tell you this, but this matchmaking thing you're trying to pull off between me and Leigh? It's not going to happen."

  I felt like I'd been punched in the stomach. The air went out of me.

  "Oh, whatever," said Stacey. "I'm just trying to help you plan something fun. That's all. You can read into it whatever you want, but there's nothing else to it."

  "We don't need to make plans," said Griffin. He finished up the cheesecake. "This was delicious, by the way."

  I tried to catch Stacey's eye, to tell her to let it go, but she wasn't looking at me.

  "You're a city boy, right? Leigh says you're from New Jersey. I bet you've never been camping."

  Griffin actually grinned. "Camping? Actually, I haven't. Not exactly."

  Stacey rubbed her hands together. "Great. Then you and Leigh should go to Blackwater Falls. It's right down the road. And we have everything you might need. Tents, sleeping bags, coolers."

  "Camping?" I said. "Like outside? With animals and bugs?"

  Griffin turned his grin on me. "I take it you've never been camping either."

  I made a face. "I don't know that I've ever wanted to."

  "It's so much fun," said Stacey. "You guys are going to have a blast."

  I wasn't so sure. And it didn't sound particularly romantic to me.

  * * *

  I sat on the ground, sorting through the various things that were in the bag that Stacey and Jack had given us. "I don't understand how this is going to be a tent."

  Griffin was still pulling things out of the back of my car. "How much crap did you bring, Leigh? We're here for two nights, not a month."

  "Sorry," I said. I had never been camping before, so I didn't know what to expect and what to bring. When I felt like that, I usually overcompensated. We probably wouldn't be able to use half of the stuff I'd brought and wouldn't need it. But you never knew. It made me feel better to have it. I eyed several foot-long metal poles. "I don't see how those are going to be big enough to hold up the tent."

  Griffin dropped one of my duffel bags on the ground. "I think those are stakes."

  "What?" I said.

  "You pound them into the ground to keep the tent from blowing away," he said.

  "Oh." That made sense. I set them down. "How do you know that? You've never been camping either."

  "I'm a guy," he said. "I pay attention to things like tents."

  "What does being a guy have to do with it?" I said.

  "I don't know," he said. "I just think that guys are more process-oriented than women. When I was a kid, I was interested in how to steer a car and in the gearshift. My sister was only interested in what color it was."

  I glared at him. "That is so sexist." Then, "You have a sister?"

  He knelt down next to the tent, facing away from me. "Not anymore. Not really." He handed me several pieces of metal that were connected to each other by a stretching string. "You can put these together."

  I looked at them in confusion. "Did something happen to your sister?"

  "No," he said.

  I waited for him to say something else. He didn't. I guessed he didn't want to talk about it. But this was the kind of thing I was telling Stacey about. I wanted to know about his life and his family. If he wouldn't tell me anything, how was I supposed to get close to him? "So then, why isn't she-"

  "You want me to demonstrate?" He took the metal pieces from me and showed me how to put them together.

  I took them back and did what he'd showed me. I didn't finish my question. He didn't want to talk about it. Fine.

  There were two of them like that. They made two long flexible poles. When I was finished, I looked over at Griffin, who'd unfolded the fabric that would make up the tent. "Now what?" I asked.

  He stared down at the tent. "I'm not exactly sure. Those poles are going to hold it up somehow, but I don't know where they go."

  I crawled over to inspect the tent. It was bright orange. There were zippers all over the place and little loops. It was the most confusing thing ever.

  "I wish we had a picture," said Griffin. "I don't even know what it's supposed to look like."

  "It's one of those dome-type things, right?"

  "You think so?" he said. "Well, then maybe the poles..." He shook his head. "No. That won't work."

  "Do they go in the little loops?" I asked.

  He looked up at me. "Maybe. Bring one over here."

  I did. Griffin threaded it through the loops on top of the tent. "Yeah, this is right," he said. "The other one crisscrosses it."

  I couldn't picture it until he did it, and the tent suddenly stood up. Then it all made sense. I helped Griffin stake it into the ground. We secured the rain fly. (But if it rained, I was seriously going to get in the car and drive home. That tent didn't look like much protection from the rain.) Then we stood back and surveyed our handiwork.

  "It's really kind of a small tent," said Griff
in, sighing. "Trust Stacey to try to push us close together."

  I was thinking the same thing but with excitement. I scuffed my toe on the ground sourly. Trust Griffin to rain on my parade.

  Maybe he really didn't like me. Maybe I had some kind of pathetic crush, and I should just get over it.

  "At least we've got separate sleeping bags," he said. He picked them both up. They belonged to Stacey and Jack, and they were KISS sleeping bags. "You want Paul or Gene?"

  "Gene, obviously," I said.

  "Obviously?"

  "Because of his tongue," I replied primly.

  Griffin face was frozen for a second, and then he busted out laughing. "I swear to God, doll, sometimes you surprise me." He gestured at the tent. "Would you unzip that for me?"

  I did. Then I crawled into the tent. Griffin tossed the sleeping bags in and came in behind me.

  Inside, it didn't seem that small, but we hadn't set up the sleeping bags yet. There seemed to be lots of room for both of us to stretch out without touching each other.

  "Why does that surprise you?" I asked.

  Griffin untied his sleeping bag. "It's not something I'd expect you to say."

  "Why not, though?"

  "Because you usually don't say things like that," he said.

  Didn't I?

  "It's not a big deal," he said. "It was funny." He flashed me a dazzling grin.

  "Griffin..." How to put this? "You don't think that I'm... innocent and pure or anything, do you?"

  He rolled his sleeping bag out. "What kind of question is that?"

  "That isn't the reason you don't want anything to happen between us, is it? You aren't afraid of corrupting me, are you?"

  He paused midroll. "You saying that you're pretty corrupted already, is that it?"

  I cringed. Crap. That was a turn-off, wasn't it? Now he really didn't want me.

  "Doll, I told you why. It's... not appropriate. It would distract me." He finished rolling out the sleeping bag and crawled out of the tent, leaving me alone.

  I rolled Gene Simmons out, staring at the cartoon representation of his very long tongue. I felt like an idiot.

  * * *

  Griffin got the fire going outside our tent. I had no idea that starting a fire was such an ordeal. With matches, even. I figured matches made the whole thing a piece of cake. You held the match up to the piece of wood, and it just burst into flame. Like a candle wick or something.

  It didn't work that way.

  Griffin showed me how to stack the wood properly, starting with paper and tiny twigs, which were easy to get going. Then, once we had a nice blaze, we added bigger pieces of wood.