Breathless Page 19

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  Jason asked me not to say anything about meeting Hallam in the woods. He said it might worry other people, and he said it might make it more difficult for him to do anything. According to Jason, if it came down to a fight, he was the only one who stood a chance at winning against Hallam. He needed to be free to do what he needed to do. I asked him if he was planning on leaving. He said he was going to give it some time. He needed to see what happened before he could be sure.

  “But,” he said, and there was so much hope in his eyes, it hurt, “if he’s serious, then I could stay.”

  We didn’t talk about why Hallam might leave Jason alone. I didn’t ask, even though I was dying to understand. I knew that Jason wouldn’t tell me anyway.

  The Homecoming Dance was Friday, only two days away. Halloween. In a strange twist of events, the school had decided to schedule the Homecoming game for Saturday, the day after the dance. Students speculated this might be an attempt on the part of the administration to keep football players from getting into too much trouble at the dance. If they wanted to play well the next day, they couldn’t be hung over. I thought it was a good theory. I’d never heard of having the dance before the game though. It wasn’t the typical way of doing things—that was for sure.

  I had my costume ready, thanks to my shopping day with Lilith. Toby was still set on being Michael Myers, which was fine with me, as far as that went. The only thing that I didn’t like about the costume was that he’d be wearing a mask. It was going to make it difficult to steal kisses on the dance floor.

  There was some debate at home about whether Jason should be allowed to go to the dance. He said he didn’t care one way or another. In the end, my parents ended up having to chaperone, and so they wouldn’t be home. There was no way they were leaving Jason at home alone, so he had to go to the dance, and so did the guys. There was some grumbling about that. Cameron thought Homecoming Dances were “gay.” But they were all going, and they all had to scrounge up costumes at the last second.

  In the whirlwind of preparation, it would have been tough for me to think much about either my feelings for Jason or my confusion about what was happening with Hallam and Jason’s safety. But something happened on Thursday night that wiped everything from my mind. Toby was driving me home from school, and we were quiet, as usual. I still felt a little guilty about my stupid crush on Jason. And with all the tension between Toby and me lately, it had been hard for us to have a conversation about anything. Most of the time when we were together anymore, we didn’t talk. I was getting used to the silence.

  When Toby pulled up to my house to drop me off, I leaned over to kiss him goodbye and then started to open the door of the truck to get out.

  “Wait,” said Toby.

  I looked at him. “What’s up?”

  Toby looked nervous. “My parents are going to a Halloween party tomorrow night,” he said. “They told me today that they’re going to be out all night.”

  That was cool, as far as that went. “Lucky you.”

  “You don’t have a curfew anymore, right?” he asked me.

  “No,” I said. “Are you gonna have a party?”

  “No,” he said. “Of course not. I have the game.”

  “Right,” I said.

  “I thought maybe... you could... we could...”

  Toby was turning into Jason. He wasn’t finishing his sentences, and he wasn’t telling me everything. “What?” I asked.

  “Do you want to stay with me tomorrow?” he asked. “All night?”

  My jaw dropped. Did he mean...? “Are you saying what I think you’re saying?” I asked.

  He nodded. “I’m ready.”

  “Oh my God,” I breathed. “Of course. Absolutely.”

  And then we kissed. It was a heavenly kiss, full of promise and excitement. It felt like orchestras and fireworks underscored it. When we pulled away, our faces lingered close to each other.

  “I love you,” Toby whispered.

  “I love you too,” I told him.

  I walked back into my house dreamily, in a cloud of love. I was going to lose my virginity. And it was going to be to the most perfect guy ever. And we were in love. And it was perfect. And how many other girls my age could say the same thing?

  Of course, I immediately called Lilith.

  “Hello?” she said when she picked up.

  I squealed. “Toby and I are gonna do it!” I said.

  “Wow,” she said, “that’s great. When?”

  “Tomorrow!” I said.

  “Cool,” she said. “I’m happy for you, Zaza.”

  But she didn’t sound as excited as a best friend should be.

  “Look,” she said. “I’m swamped with homework. I’m really sorry, but can we talk tomorrow?”

  “Sure,” I said. But I didn’t want her to hang up. She was my best friend. She was supposed to ask me to go over the details of how he’d told me. She was supposed to help me figure out what kind of underwear to wear. She was supposed to give me tips, considering she was wiser than me in the ways of sex, and had already done it a zillion times. Besides, it wasn’t like Lilith to be overly concerned with homework.

  I felt confused and a little hurt, but overall, I was too excited to dwell on it. I had so much grooming to do. I had to shave. I had to figure out what to do with my hair. I’d planned something for the dance, but now that it was going to be such a significant night of my life, I had to do something completely different. This was epic. This was the only time this could ever happen to me.

  God. It was forever until Friday night, wasn’t it?

  I started my search for the perfect hairdo on the family computer. After searching through pages of different pictures, I had about ten different ideas, all of which I’d printed out. The next step was going to be locking myself in the bathroom and attempting to duplicate all of them. I would take a picture of each, then look at them to decide which one I’d do tomorrow. I wasn’t going to be able to help my mom with dinner, but this was really, really important. Really important.

  I thought about Toby, and I sighed, a silly grin taking over my entire face. I was so lucky to be dating him. I wondered what he was doing right now. Sometimes he was online in the early evening. I pulled up AOL instant messenger, but somebody else was already logged in. Huh? Who in my family called themselves morningstar68? That was a weird name.

  I couldn’t imagine any of the guys in the house used it, and my parents were hopeless about computers. I didn’t think they even knew what instant messenger was. Did they?

  Whatever. I logged morningstar off and logged myself in. Toby wasn’t online. Oh. Well. That was fine. I’d be seeing a lot of him tomorrow. Then I giggled as I thought about the full implications of that statement. I was going to have sex! I couldn’t believe it.

  I bumped into Jason in the hall after finishing the last of my hairstyle choices. I wasn’t looking where I was going because I was flipping through the pictures on our digital camera. I couldn’t decide which hairstyle I liked the best.

  “Sorry,” I said to Jason.

  “You’ve been in the bathroom for a really long time,” he said.

  I showed him the pictures. “I’m trying to figure out my hair for tomorrow.”

  He took the camera from me and flipped through the pictures himself. “They all look the same to me,” he said, handing it back.

  Boys! They were completely and totally different hairstyles. There was nothing about them that was even remotely similar. “So which one do you think I should do?” I asked.

  He shrugged. “Like I said, I can’t tell the difference.”

  “Well thanks for nothing,” I said, sidestepping him to go to my room.

  “But if you really want my opinion,” he said.

  “I do,” I said.

  “Then I think you should wear your hair down,” he said. “It’s, um, pretty like that.”

  “Oh,” I said. “Thanks.”

  He half-sm
iled at me, and I made the mistake of looking into his big, brown eyes. Bad idea.

  Toby, I reminded myself. My boyfriend. Who I was going to have sex with. “I have to go,” I said to Jason, and hurried off.